An Opening of the Heart

Carry me to Your table Dad. 

Seat me where I don't belong. Heal my heart, clean me. 

I don't want to see my brokenness. 

Carry me to Your table.

A son, will always be a son.

No good a father would despise a son who returns hungry and cold. 

Call my name in my weakness. 

I can still call You Father, but I can barely mumble the words. 

Call me back. 

Take me back. 

I've lived in silence for so long.

Too long. 

My heart's numb, it's taken too many blows. 

I'm afraid, I'm misfit. 

It's hard for me to return.

My place was taken, there's just a vague remembrance of who I was

I can't be the same person I was before,

I can't fool myself into believing I can be the same. 

I need new. 

A new heart.

A new beginning.

A new place.

New people. 

I need You. 

Be still and know He is God.

There is so much I would want to tell you, ask you, do with you, but the Lord is holding me back. Just ask me how many times I would have grabbed the phone or have written you, I know there were many. I don't know why, and I don't understand why I should die to us, but He knows best.
But it's hard.

There are days when I would rather not even have to get up from bed and face walking through these days without you by my side. There are days when I realize I can't live this way and try to keep busy and do other things. There are times when I can walk by faith but there are other times when I just look at my empty hands (empty literally as well) and cry. I can't say I have victoriously grabbed on to God's way of doing things and kept on working and serving and have "grabbed" other things from Him; I have failed miserably to do so. But I am glad you have! You've kept your eyes fixed on the vision He has for you ahead and I thank God for that! As for me, I've felt lost so many times. God knows I am trying to surrender to His hand and His will. It's what we asked for and prayed for so many times, His will done in our lives. He's willed this, so I'll just hold on to His hand meanwhile.

Among the many things I've learnt from this is that God has to be first. It sounds fancy and pretty but it's nearly unperceptible when someone/something takes His place in our hearts. I was angry at God for permitting this and taking you from me, but who am I to argue Him? As C.S. Lewis says, "Perhaps we feel inclined to disagree with Him. But there is a difficulty of disagreeing with God. He's the source from which all your reasoning power comes; you could not be right and He wrong. When you are arguing against Him, you are arguing against the very power that makes you able to argue at all. It is like cutting down the branch you are sitting on." That is so true. And it is also true that I miss you.

I've kept myself from writing you because I know that most of what I'd say would just be emotion after emotion and topped with memories and feelings and would just do us no good. This has been the one time that letting go unto God's willing has been so hard. No wonder why Solomon said love was such a strong thing.

I know I'm holding forth these things. But I am receiving a cours magistral from Him.
I am frothing for His purpose to be displayed to me. His "why" He has me in that career, and "what's" He got me to do for Him. But first, I am learning to love Him, when He takes away and when His voice is silent. He does turn away but with everlasting mercy He will look upon me once again. (Isaiah 54:8). It's time to have Him ground everything that takes His place. It's time for me and Him; you and Him. This acutes our hearing of His voice. And it will work out for the better; His idea of better.

It's 02:30, I'll doss down for today.

A Change in Focus

Something's burning,

Something's stirring

Let me know Your will for me

I can't so eloquenty spell out what's in my heart

But a fervent desire, to grasp on for good;

Grasp on for good on to Your will for me.

I feel like I'm lookin at a sunrise from behind the glass.

Open my eyes, let me see clearly.

Open my heart, let me feel clearly.

Let me serve You, King.

Let me know the things You want me to know.

Help me grasp on to Your will, and not let go.

Proverbs 31:8 says it oh so clearly!..

My pride, my selfishness so don't want to let go

Of this security of this comfort.

Let my eyes see what You need Father

Put me in the places You need me.

Take me by the hand and dont let go.

Because it will break me in two,

It will tear me apart,

But that's what compassion is about.

Take me Dad.
I don't care for recognition.

I want You to see me.

Burn this pride from my heart.

Im sorry for missing out for so long.

Im sorry for falling asleep relentlessly.

Keep me awake until You return.

Find me doing Your will,

and loving You and those around me with all that's in me.


.

true true true, real real real.

Acts 10:34-48

34-36Peter fairly exploded with his good news: "It's God's own truth, nothing could be plainer: God plays no favorites! It makes no difference who you are or where you're from—if you want God and are ready to do as he says, the door is open. The Message he sent to the children of Israel—that through Jesus Christ everything is being put together again—well, he's doing it everywhere, among everyone.
37-38"You know the story of what happened in Judea. It began in Galilee after John preached a total life-change. Then Jesus arrived from Nazareth, anointed by God with the Holy Spirit, ready for action. He went through the country helping people and healing everyone who was beaten down by the Devil. He was able to do all this because God was with him.
39-43"And we saw it, saw it all, everything he did in the land of the Jews and in Jerusalem where they killed him, hung him from a cross. But in three days God had him up, alive, and out where he could be seen. Not everyone saw him—he wasn't put on public display. Witnesses had been carefully handpicked by God beforehand—us! We were the ones, there to eat and drink with him after he came back from the dead. He commissioned us to announce this in public, to bear solemn witness that he is in fact the One whom God destined as Judge of the living and dead. But we're not alone in this. Our witness that he is the means to forgiveness of sins is backed up by the witness of all the prophets."
44-46No sooner were these words out of Peter's mouth than the Holy Spirit came on the listeners. The believing Jews who had come with Peter couldn't believe it, couldn't believe that the gift of the Holy Spirit was poured out on "outsider" non-Jews, but there it was—they heard them speaking in tongues, heard them praising God.
46-48Then Peter said, "Do I hear any objections to baptizing these friends with water? They've received the Holy Spirit exactly as we did." Hearing no objections, he ordered that they be baptized in the name of Jesus Christ.
Then they asked Peter to stay on for a few days.

God give us Your eyes and Your heart for those who are coming home soon.
Teach us to teach like You did. You're REAL Jesus.
We are Your children!! we do not perform before men, we live that full, free and trusting life, being lead by Your Spirit, showing these very men that we're just like them, nothing more nor less, we're useful in His hands, in His hands! He holds the UNIVERSE and everyone on earth...the plain and simple faith that holds that great and unimaginable, unthinkable God, Creator of ALL... living in us. . . .
ah.

for You

i write for You.

You're awesome. Better yet if its a secret between You and me. You let me into You're private thoughts and yearns, so that through Your Spirit i can stand and scream them out to people who are blind, to see.

"Your Love is amazing, steady and unchanging

Your Love is a mountain firm under my feet."

Your Word does NOT COME BACK EMPTY. never. ever. ever will it ever come back empty.

Make me more faithful, make me more needy. Im nothing without You.

If Your hands arent over mine, if Your arms arent over mine, ill just drain my strength away. Cover me, surround me like that all days.

خَاطَبَنِي حَبِيبِي وَقَالَ: انْهَضِي يَاحَبِيبَتِي يَاجَمِيلَتِي وَتَعَالَيْ مَعِي،
فَهَا الشِّتَاءُ قَدِ انْقَضَى، وَكَفَّ الْمَطَرُ وَزَالَ.
وَأَزْهَرَتِ الأَرْضُ، وَحَلَّ مَوْسِمُ التَّغْريِدِ، وَتَرَدَّدَ هَدِيلُ الْيَمَامِ فِي أَرْضِنَا.
قَدْ أَنْبَتَتِ التِّينَةُ فِجَّهَا، وَنَشَرَتِ الْكُرُومُ الْمُزْهِرَةُ أَرِيجَهَا، فَانْهَضِي يَاحَبِيبَتِيِ يَاجَمِيلَتِي وَتَعَالَيْ.
(المُحِبُّ):

يَاحَمَامَتِي اللاَّئِذَةَ بِشُقُوقِ الصَّخْرِ وَمَخَابِيءِ الْمَعَاقِلِ، أَرِينِي وَجْهَكِ وَأَسْمِعِينِي صَوْتَكِ، لأَنَّ صَوْتَكِ عَذْبٌ وَمُحَيَّاكِ رَائِعٌ.
اقْتَنِصُوا لَنَا الثَّعَالِبَ الصِّغَارَ الَّتِي تُتْلِفُ الْكُرُومَ، فَإِنَّ كُرُومَنَا قَدْ أَزْهَرَ تْ.

Please let it not be arrogance my motive. But Your life in me, You bigger than me in me. Take away all the foxes.

Genesis 5:24

Take me away as I walk with You Dad

19th

I want to know you better Dad! That's all i want.

"When love becomes a delicate display.."

Blog Song

[obviously] Jars of Clay - Weighed Down

I shall directly quote what i read on www.songmeanings.com when i looked up the song which has part of its lyrics in the title of this blog.

""When love becomes a delicate display" Many believe that love for God is best shown in weekly practices and ceremonies. This line speaks against that, suggesting that love is instead something different; it is wild, it is unpredictable, it is passionate. Love cannot be tamed to one hour long service in a week. It can't be forced into our altar calls or modern worship services either. Love is a lifestyle that will affect every aspect of your life. "

I shall add on to that.

Love is so much more than feelings. Emotions.. or pictures. Its sad to see how low we've rated love to be... how we've placed love in a shelf and sold it in a discount-bargain shop. Love is underrated.
As ive read once in someone's signature... "Since when did Love not last?"
Love is what will make ubelievers believe and come to Christ without us.. His Church.. His People... His Remnant (to make it sound more frank e. peretty-wise if you wish) needing to even preach. God Himself will teach them... God Himself will show them.

"This is the brand-new covenant that I will make with Israel when the time comes. I will put my law within them—write it on their hearts!—and be their God. And they will be my people. They will no longer go around setting up schools to teach each other about God. They'll know me firsthand, the dull and the bright, the smart and the slow. I'll wipe the slate clean for each of them. I'll forget they ever sinned!" God's Decree." Jeremiah 31:33,34

God cant be put into a box.

As David.. sometimes i pray and ask God to show His power and make all those who laugh and joke at His Word shut up and realize that He's Big and Strong and True. But He's patient.. He reminds me. I'm living proof of that patience.

Anyway I will not get off subject.

God is real. If anyone reads this who has the impression that God is like a reaaallly really old man who's sitting in a big shiny Throne and is just too tired to even move.. that He just looked down and frowns at us, poor humans who never understand Him anyway.
well... NO!! He is ALIVE. He is TRUE. He is WORKING IN THE LIVES OF HIS CHILDREN. He is not ASLEEP BUT KEEPS AWAKE. His eyes are on US. He loves us tenderly and sent His Son for us to be able to see Him.

Let go of all your preconceptions of Him. He already let go of all the preconceptions other people have made on you. Like the above verses say... He will FORGET our sins and let us be new!

Would a porcelain ornament have such effectiveness? If love is broken easily.. as people consider it to be.. then it wouldnt be able to make anything stand on its feet. But He does. He is alive and He's got enough to make every feet on the eath stand up and every eye look back at Him.

Its Love that changes us. Its Love [Jesus] that makes us whole. Its Love that fills us when we're empty. only Love can forgive sins...



aaah Love is more than just lovely.

something that's stayed with me today [part 1]

--to start with... giving a little preface to this blog to orientate the reader--

Mood Song: Brooke Fraser - Faithful

Mood Expression:severe but calm yet desperate

Am I crazy yet? Crazy for what i want to be crazy and sober for what I need to be centered in?

Yet again I write as if i were showering down on plants with water that's mixed with sugar and salt and lemon. Cant tell which one came in first but I know its there...

Once more I find myself learning what I had professed to teach to others before... better said... what i taught i hadnt quite learned myself yet.

Where's my sword? sometimes i forget it also speaks to me, its much more than a mere instrument for high-tension battle... its the light to the path that guides my feet.... therefor...its as small as a word and as huge as a blow. hmm.

It tells me to come. just come. It tells me to not be afraid. It tells me that He's big and that idols are just something to laugh at, they can do neither good or bad.

It speaks i know.

Another stirr of emotion?
A past lesson not quite fully learned and passed yet? Am i repeating it once more?

Am i waiting or am i wasting my time? Either way You'll come. However, the difference is abismal. This hope makes me perfect, my Sword says so. The One i wait for makes me perfect.

Instead... wasting my time... asleep... resting... eating and enjoying...holding treasures for my own house, my own field, my own self... clearly leads to temptation and further destruction.

"Stay alert; be in prayer so you don't wander into temptation without even knowing you're in danger. There is a part of you that is eager, ready for anything in God. But there's another part that's as lazy as an old dog sleeping by the fire." *

It takes You so many supernatural things to bring me back on track. May seem small and insignificant but it really takes a whole lot to keep me there. Focused.

And as I heard today in a song.."Maybe I see much better by closing my eyes"

I do in fact... but... speaking truthfully...i honestly cant keep my eyes closed all the time can I? "Pray without ceasing" stands and tumbles inside my head... falls down and finally gets back up on its feet to tell me once again... as some other thought tumbles it down again... another doubt... another excuse.

With things as such... things that dont matter much we can run miles on end. But for His things? For His purposes? I bite my lip as i think of all the things i've traded for Him. idols that i thought could speak and could do me good.

My Sword speaks truth. Am I just living under its consequences? Under Laws of Gravity concerning the boasting and prideful... Laws of Inertia concerning the lukewarm?

Sounds and sounds and more things around.

This race is more than just a sprint. Long-run? Resistence fails... but weakness prevails. Strange. Not new though...

My head is full of information. Can I store somewhere where I can see and touch? As the widow who no longer could retain the oil because she could find no more places to put it in. The same I wish... somewhere to put all the blessings I receive... not to store for myself.. but for others and for whatever He may need me to have them for. My unexperienced hands cant hold so much.. i need something that can do it for me.. not for laziness but for my acknowledgment that it can be further lost if not well distributed and used wisely.

Hitherto i farwell, but my Spirit awake I pray. Keep me awake.

To Chose prayer before rest. To Chose prayer before anything. mmm.

* Matthew 26:41 [The Message]

It makes me think...

How great He is, and how small we are

How good He is and how undeserving we are

No matter how much thinking I do, I can only stand in awe.

My thinking would get me nowhere

Instead, my spirit will join with His and rejoice.

For His mercy is forever and His goodness endures.