something that's stayed with me today [part 1]

--to start with... giving a little preface to this blog to orientate the reader--

Mood Song: Brooke Fraser - Faithful

Mood Expression:severe but calm yet desperate

Am I crazy yet? Crazy for what i want to be crazy and sober for what I need to be centered in?

Yet again I write as if i were showering down on plants with water that's mixed with sugar and salt and lemon. Cant tell which one came in first but I know its there...

Once more I find myself learning what I had professed to teach to others before... better said... what i taught i hadnt quite learned myself yet.

Where's my sword? sometimes i forget it also speaks to me, its much more than a mere instrument for high-tension battle... its the light to the path that guides my feet.... therefor...its as small as a word and as huge as a blow. hmm.

It tells me to come. just come. It tells me to not be afraid. It tells me that He's big and that idols are just something to laugh at, they can do neither good or bad.

It speaks i know.

Another stirr of emotion?
A past lesson not quite fully learned and passed yet? Am i repeating it once more?

Am i waiting or am i wasting my time? Either way You'll come. However, the difference is abismal. This hope makes me perfect, my Sword says so. The One i wait for makes me perfect.

Instead... wasting my time... asleep... resting... eating and enjoying...holding treasures for my own house, my own field, my own self... clearly leads to temptation and further destruction.

"Stay alert; be in prayer so you don't wander into temptation without even knowing you're in danger. There is a part of you that is eager, ready for anything in God. But there's another part that's as lazy as an old dog sleeping by the fire." *

It takes You so many supernatural things to bring me back on track. May seem small and insignificant but it really takes a whole lot to keep me there. Focused.

And as I heard today in a song.."Maybe I see much better by closing my eyes"

I do in fact... but... speaking truthfully...i honestly cant keep my eyes closed all the time can I? "Pray without ceasing" stands and tumbles inside my head... falls down and finally gets back up on its feet to tell me once again... as some other thought tumbles it down again... another doubt... another excuse.

With things as such... things that dont matter much we can run miles on end. But for His things? For His purposes? I bite my lip as i think of all the things i've traded for Him. idols that i thought could speak and could do me good.

My Sword speaks truth. Am I just living under its consequences? Under Laws of Gravity concerning the boasting and prideful... Laws of Inertia concerning the lukewarm?

Sounds and sounds and more things around.

This race is more than just a sprint. Long-run? Resistence fails... but weakness prevails. Strange. Not new though...

My head is full of information. Can I store somewhere where I can see and touch? As the widow who no longer could retain the oil because she could find no more places to put it in. The same I wish... somewhere to put all the blessings I receive... not to store for myself.. but for others and for whatever He may need me to have them for. My unexperienced hands cant hold so much.. i need something that can do it for me.. not for laziness but for my acknowledgment that it can be further lost if not well distributed and used wisely.

Hitherto i farwell, but my Spirit awake I pray. Keep me awake.

To Chose prayer before rest. To Chose prayer before anything. mmm.

* Matthew 26:41 [The Message]