There is so much I would want to tell you, ask you, do with you, but the Lord is holding me back. Just ask me how many times I would have grabbed the phone or have written you, I know there were many. I don't know why, and I don't understand why I should die to us, but He knows best.
But it's hard.
There are days when I would rather not even have to get up from bed and face walking through these days without you by my side. There are days when I realize I can't live this way and try to keep busy and do other things. There are times when I can walk by faith but there are other times when I just look at my empty hands (empty literally as well) and cry. I can't say I have victoriously grabbed on to God's way of doing things and kept on working and serving and have "grabbed" other things from Him; I have failed miserably to do so. But I am glad you have! You've kept your eyes fixed on the vision He has for you ahead and I thank God for that! As for me, I've felt lost so many times. God knows I am trying to surrender to His hand and His will. It's what we asked for and prayed for so many times, His will done in our lives. He's willed this, so I'll just hold on to His hand meanwhile.
Among the many things I've learnt from this is that God has to be first. It sounds fancy and pretty but it's nearly unperceptible when someone/something takes His place in our hearts. I was angry at God for permitting this and taking you from me, but who am I to argue Him? As C.S. Lewis says, "Perhaps we feel inclined to disagree with Him. But there is a difficulty of disagreeing with God. He's the source from which all your reasoning power comes; you could not be right and He wrong. When you are arguing against Him, you are arguing against the very power that makes you able to argue at all. It is like cutting down the branch you are sitting on." That is so true. And it is also true that I miss you.
I've kept myself from writing you because I know that most of what I'd say would just be emotion after emotion and topped with memories and feelings and would just do us no good. This has been the one time that letting go unto God's willing has been so hard. No wonder why Solomon said love was such a strong thing.
I know I'm holding forth these things. But I am receiving a cours magistral from Him.
I am frothing for His purpose to be displayed to me. His "why" He has me in that career, and "what's" He got me to do for Him. But first, I am learning to love Him, when He takes away and when His voice is silent. He does turn away but with everlasting mercy He will look upon me once again. (Isaiah 54:8). It's time to have Him ground everything that takes His place. It's time for me and Him; you and Him. This acutes our hearing of His voice. And it will work out for the better; His idea of better.
It's 02:30, I'll doss down for today.
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